Some New stuffs to cry on

The idea of starting this blog was to rant. And now is a perfect time to do so. So, let’s do it. The silver lining of this year was me being very less anxious compared to past few years. But fear started making its way into my life after constant sighting of snakes on my floor in hostel. Covid fear was of course there. It was a tough call to be back on campus. My parents were supportive of my decision thankfully. I thought returning back would motivate my supervisor to speed up my thesis correction. He has also undergone a personal crisis this year. So, I assume things were rough for him too. So I came back to campus on 2nd September after spending 25 hours travelling and getting COVID test done. No, it wasnt a train journey. The only silver lining of the trip that made it worth was meeting my two best friends.That long travel was followed by long quarantine of two weeks. And after that it was long spell of cleaning and making my room liveable again. So, Sir finally starts correcting my thesis two weeks ago and a paper revision came last week. I started repeating the work he suggested and working on reviewer response. And all of sudden I get hit by a health issue. My already an year late thesis submission is again on hold now and probably I have to return home, get treated and come back. Home being a small town is devoid of very good treatment options. So i would have to go to state capital. Other option was to call mom here which doesnt seem too feasible due to campus covid restrictions. For now, highlight of everyday is hospital visit. And i am trying to finish as much work as I can before i leave. I am not anxious. But as I am writing this, I feel sadness. But this act of writing is giving me a release. I have to survive a Pandemic, thesis submission and a health crisis.

I guess that is why I got a semi colon tattoo last year. To remind myself that it is just a pause and I ll carry on.

Shoutout to my friends and family for holding my hand.

Rantings…

These days, I always think that it is over, my age of falling in and out of love. I can’t even relate to spoken words poetry on heartbreak. Me and my best friend have given up our rants on our miserable love life. I spent a decade trying to find the one. Somewhere there was lack of trust, somewhere no respect and somewhere another reason and another reason somewhere else. It became a vicious cycle. Ultimately I got depressed so much that i would cry myself to sleep almost every night and often wake up sad. That cycle broke with me trying hard , counselling, doctor, hobbies and what not. In a sentence, there was lot of processing and healing to be done. In this whole process, i learnt to accept myself. But sometimes tears still fall at night and i need to write. Because this is the thing with these emotions. They can’t be buried forever. Whenever they come back floating on the surface of your mind. You have to take time to deal with them and feel them. Those moments are still difficult like they used to be. But there is one mantra to remember “this shall pass like it did in the past. Even if your mind doesn’t believe it right now but it will.” The healing has to be done so carefully that you can not be too bitter and cause your own bitterness to bite you. And if you treat it too sweetly, you did not take your lesson well.

I always ask myself this question “is the longing to find love is gone or am I waiting for love to surprise me while i am paying attention to other things in life”. The second question seems more positive and i have always been an optimistic girl. I have never been more happier in a decade. Never been so accepting of myself and never been this full of gratitude. I know things went wrong but i always tried to stay true and honest. All of us have unique stories but still we relate in some uncanny ways. Probably many from my age are going through same thing. We grew with the idea of DDLJ and seen the world go to hook ups. It is hard to adapt to drastically changing ideas of love, right ?

Third week of Lockdown and Rumi

Third week at home is over. Haven’t stayed at home this long in last 5 years. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. The first week was amazing when I was working hard, drawing, writing, learning Kalimba. This week was hard. Health has made it worse. Some nights, I struggle to breathe and next day is spent fighting sleepiness. Work efficiency is low. No drawing since a week. I binged Money Heist amidst all headache and bad health. Mom doesn’t allow to use phone on bed at night. That is giving me an opportunity to read. I started with Yual Noah Harari’s 21 lessons for 21st century. I have mostly read non-fiction in past few years and I am quite bored of this genre. A friend sent me “The Essential Rumi” and It has become my bedtime companion. I wanted to read Rumi ever since I finished “The forty rules of love” by Elif Shafak. ” The forty rules of love is about ‘Shams of Tabriz’ whose Shohabat or company transformed preacher Jalaluddin to poet Rumi. It would be a pleasure to read Rumi in Arabic or Persian. English in my opinion doesn’t do justice to his writings. I am not able to understand the metaphor in many of the poems. In few where I understand, I feel startled. Rumi has used Tavern as a symbol in many poems. Maybe Dr. Bachchan got his inspiration of Madhushala from Rumi. I am never bored of Madhushala. I can read it again and again. Rumi ends many poems with the feeling of emptiness. Often there is a feeling of emptiness which comes after expression for all of us. That is how I would like to end this post, with a feeling of emptiness.

Lockdown Update II

In this age of social media, our lives feel so important and valuable that we want to post about it everywhere and want the world to witness it. This is what I am doing with my blog. But most of the posts are for my own nostalgic walks down the memory lane in upcoming future. Two weeks have passed since I came home. This week was not as productive as last week. There are many reasons for that and primary one is that I have been sick lately. I have this nasal congestion since 3 weeks now. It has scared me and my family (COVID days). But doctors have told not to worry and I suffer from such things during season change. This time it is so much that I cannot sleep properly at night and hence less productive days. Also the quarantine has finally started to take over. This home isolation is not something new for me. My at home days used to be similar except school and tution. A little workout time is still intact. In fact, I am devoting 20 minutes to it now. Some sweating helps to keep us sane. I have stopped following the COVID news updates religiously. It was tiring and frightening. But whenever I open scientific articles to study, I end up reading stuffs on Coronaviruses. Who knows, an article on all that gathered knowledge might be up on my blog soon.

By the way, I made nice coffee today.

How my lock-down is going so far?

It’s 25th of March, 2020. The world is fighting the COVID-19 pandemic. A week has passed since I came back home. After that email from dean on last Tuesday (March 17, 2020), I immediately booked ticket for the day after. I just returned from home on 13th evening after a 3 days trip to home for holi. In last 4-5 years, this is the longest time I am gonna spend at one place. Although, I am a student professionally. My life pretty much resembles with that of a working professional. Going to lab is quite similar to going to an office and work. It is just that sometimes I can sneak afternoon naps in my day in my hostel room. March 17th was the last regular working day for many of my co-workers. I was overwhelmed with nostalgia that day. Next day in train was full of a certain fear. I reached home on 19th Morning. I had a comfortable journey and I wasn’t tired. I cleaned myself up immediately and sat with my laptop like I have been doing since a couple of months. Since then, it has been mostly same. My mom doesn’t let me do household work. So, my day almost looks like it used to. However, the commute time from living to work space has reduced drastically. I have made a small workspace in an empty room in the house. Which is a mattress and bed-sheet on the floor. It is cozy, comfortable and distraction-free. Every morning after tea and little snack I come upstairs where I clean and prepare my workspace. I work (lots of writing to be done), chat with friends and nighttime is dedicated to hobbies (which were getting neglected due to work pressure). Mom calls in between for meals. Then I go downstairs at night and sleep beside mom. I know my parents must be glad that I am spending sometime at home. This is also making me ponder that do we really need global shutdown for spending time with our families. Ph.D. students are overworked. Many of my friends have not gone home in last 2-3 years. I manage a one week trip in 7-8 months. Still I haven’t met my sister since 14 months. I miss my regular life in campus but I feel glad that I am at home with my family. I am an outgoing person. I miss jogging in campus. I do some workout from Youtube videos for 10-15 minutes. Teatime with friends have changed to teatime with family. Many of us are not privileged to work from home like me. I think about the workers who earn on day-to-day basis. And I also think about people who can and need work from home but aren’t allowed to do so. I think about war-torn countries where people live in constant lockdown. I hope people who are suffering heal soon. I hope life comes back on track for all of us all over the world. I hope we stop meddling with nature.

What are you doing during lockdown? or How did it go (if you are reading this in future)?

My Tattoo Story

Getting tattooed was on my bucket list for sometime. I even had few designs on my mind. It just wasn’t happening. A friend said that it is not best to get it during summers which I later realized why. In November end-December beginning, I was on this short trip to Delhi for an interview. After the interview, I called a friend to catch up. I was waiting for him in a mall. I waited for an hour and was bored to death staring at people queued up for Black Friday sale. On the top floor, I saw this small tattoo parlor. I thought it is winter and I am bored. Let’s get into it. The minimum charge was around 2K for 1 sq. inch. Quite costly. But I already made my mind. I was always inspired by the idea of semi-colon tattoo. So I asked the artist to show me few designs. He googled and I chose the one with a music note (symbol for one note per beat). I asked him if it is gonna hurt too much. He said, it ll pinch slightly. I am not afraid of needles. I have had 5 ear piercings (one went wrong due to use of cheap metal by the jeweller) and a nose. He printed the design and made a temporary tattoo on my wrist to see if it looked good to me. I approved and he went ahead. The processes which follow are hair removal, disinfection and tattooing. The ink is stuffed in your skin using a pen-like device. The refill moves up and down quickly. It simultaneously punctures the skin and fills ink. Then they clean it and put a waterproof sticker over it. Now comes the precaution part. I am too bad at after-care. If he would have told me about it first, i would have chickened out. For sticker was not to be removed for 5 days. The tattoo bleeds ink for few days and so it looks like a blob of ink under ur sticker for few days. After 5 days, Protect your tattoo for 15 more days from sun and water and moisturize. Failing it would lead to discoloration. during these 20 days, tattoo goes through many changes. First ink bleeding happens. After that the skin starts to peel off. During that phase, at one time tattoo looked very light also. Ultimately it had settled to one color which is somewhat green and black.

Now a little history on tattoo art (Godna) from my home region in Bihar: I believe that our grandparents’ generation was so much cooler than our parents. My dadi had a tattoo and many piercings including the middle nose one. Married women used to get tattoos in those times. My dadi had a small one with grandfather’s initials. Those ladies didn’t utter their husband’s name, therefore, the tattoo. Dom (A dalit community who helps with carcasses during last rites and weaves bamboo baskets) women were the tattoo artists of those times. These women used their own breast milk and Kohl (kajal) to prepare black ink. I don’t know how other colors were prepared. Ladies also sang Tattoo songs (Godna geet) during that process.

Source: Info from mummy and my late dadi and folk Program that I attended during “Ek Bharat Shreshta Bharat“.

To a new year

New years and birthdays make me sad. For a past-oriented person like me, they are a reminder of a time gone, memories created and people lost. The past year was good if not great. Learned a lot and eliminated many toxic elements in my life. I have more or less come in terms of being an adult although I still decide things on impulse and feelings. This year is crucial and so are the coming few years. Probably it will be the last year of my Ph.D. and career transition is on the cards. So far, I have enjoyed the campus life. Thinking about the next move makes me curious. All the major transitions i.e. from a student to professional, single to married are still pending. Hoping 2019 might unravel a few secrets. but I think 2020 will be more of a life-changer. Because this year, the primary concern is to finish my thesis on time. I am expecting a monotonically busy year full of lots of writing, editing, and submissions. Also, I want to make full use of my time left here in NE. I am in love with this place which doesn’t run like metros and is full of nature. Although I have a professor to supervise my work, I was given enough independence to work according to my will. Probably the best and carefree days of my life will be over soon. But there are still many things left to learn in life and I hope 2019 will teach me some.

Story of some good things

It’s good to be back with another heart to heart. After weeks of planning, procrastination and one saved draft, I have finally decided to give words to what active steps I took in last 2 years to evolve as a person or some things which happened on their own. One of the biggest learning of the recent past is being content with solitude. I enjoy me time more than ever now. People ask me reason when I go for tea alone. But as much as I enjoy a nice conversation over a cup of chai/coffee with friends, I also enjoy having a tea on the canteen’s stairs by myself. And sometimes I share snacks with dogs too at that time which is quite strange given that I was not very affectionate towards canines. I assume it happened after I made efforts to meditate. Meditation helped me to embrace my own inner self. Another good thing happened when I made a small balcony garden. It started with a borrowed Aloe Vera from my neighbor and grew into a big family of roses, lily and some other beauties. It’s therapeutic to take out a little time to water them and watch them grow. Sometimes when I get back from vacation, I feel a loss of connection with them. It takes few weeks to get that level of bonding back and in this period I see them as dull and gloomy. But once I am back with loving them, they reciprocate the same love back. Another good thing is kids from nearby areas. It’s wonderful to spend a some time with them every week and contribute a little towards their well-being and growth.

So, the crux of the whole story is I tried to avoid the company of grown-up adults to feel good in last two years. 😀

Disha

pups

My Garden

On the brink of 30

2 years, 2 months and 5 days are still left to touch that milestone age of 30. By 30, you should have completed your education, get married and have a kid. Well! I have accomplished none. Parents must be losing their sleep about both job and shadi. Dad is retiring in two months. Sister must be waiting to dance for my wedding. And yes I have teen-aged nieces too. And I am still figuring out whether I have that in me to adjust with a man. Not having a biological brother, no close guy friend till school taught me less about boys. I find it hard to fit in and I think they too. I have friends and In last few years , I am sharing an academic space dominated by men. But sharing an academic space is very different than sharing a personal space. This was about the marriage part. Let’s come to the career part. Going to complete 4 years in Ph.D. Progress : Okay.  In world full of scientific breakthroughs, research challenges you. Every weekend is a reminder of another gone week and every conference of where I stand. Job: I still don’t know. Parents hope for a job where I make enough money. What about me? I hope for the same but it should be something that I enjoy. I enjoy teaching. So, academia will work well for me or maybe science communication but fulltime research ? I guess not. About the biology part? Yeah.. i feel the early signs of ageing now. 2 grey strands of hair are a reminder of the same. A fall on slippery floor takes longer to heal now. 

And a very important Question, What makes me happy now? A good work week, An hour spent with small children on weekends, sipping my chai, watering my plants and watching them grow , holding my teddy, sleeping after a hectic day And going home for a vacation.

Photo by Itati Tapia on Pexels.com