Category: Life

Ramblings of an anxious mind

When the plans of the universe do not align with your wishes, what do you do? Do you sit back and relax, or become anxious and shaky? They say that trust the universe. But does the universe actually find us significant among millions of galaxies, stars, planets and billions of lives? Is it easy to just accept and not expect? This year I am learning the art of letting go. Should I get a tattoo to remind myself of that? And then there is this question that pops up from time to time “What is my actual self”? The one that lives inside me or the one that I show. I feel that I am storing more than I ever did. I feel the misalignment between what I think and project. But projecting truth comes at a cost, right? The unpleasant parts can hurt people who are close to you. On some days life just flows and on others, it stumbles. Whom to blame, Yourself, the other party or the circumstances? Or it should be the balance of blames, and eventually accepting and moving on ? Is life a constant struggle to not create more drama? Is this the reason people lean towards spirituality? These days i feel that life is a constant struggle to create less damage, towards myself and people around. I have spent the last few years learning this art and I still fail the occasional surprise tests that life throws. Or does life need just five attributes..hope, courage, faith, kindness and love?

The year when I stole my birthday cake

Writing gives me the freedom to channel my anxiety. In those moments of sadness, confusion and chaos, words flow. When the self-doubt is so high that you think that only thing that will be born out of such mind will be chaos. But the chaos looks so beautiful on paper, at least to me. December is a month of reflection to me. Because my birthday comes soon after new year, the reflective tendencies are stronger. I need to analyze how I grew as a person with plus one my age. Last year was pretty great for me except in December. It was from December 2020 that things started to go a bit downhill for me. I do not believe in astrological predictions. But my parents told me that 2021 would be a rough year for me. I am glad that it will be over soon and I have hopes for 2022. 2021was a physical and emotional roller-coaster ride but I am so happy that I have developed some excellent coping mechanisms through four years of therapy. My thoughts are not as catastrophic as they used to be, but I still need to work on my attachment patterns. They are still a matter of shame and concern for me for some reason. But today, I learnt a lovely quote about not judging your desires and not getting swayed by them. I guess I will remind myself time and again about that quote. I think that I am going back to my old introvert self. Growing up, I did not like to be out much. I was a bookworm who spent most of the time reading. I could not do much reading this year, although my 2021 resolution was to read a lot. Nonetheless, I read a few books whose names I cannot remember. Another one was to eliminate cuss words from my dictionary and I failed there too. Even though the year is hard, I am making slow progress. For example, one of my goals was to revise my Chemistry basics which I am doing. This year was pretty great as I got two degrees after stumbling. I finished my PhD and second master’s. It was my dream to study social science and now I have a degree in that. My PhD defense was superb. However, a lot of drama unfolded before submission. I saw my loved ones suffer this year and that part was hard. I had crippling insomnia this year. In 2021, I spent many nights awake watching as the night broke into the day. There is a lot to write about this year, but I have lots of work in my basket. For now, I will label 2021 as “the year when I stole my birthday cake.” Because I stole my 30th birthday cake from fridge this year. That’s an interesting story for other time as I had dietary restrictions.

Romantic Love

Love feels something from a distant land now.

I know it exists, it has faces of my mother, father, family and friends.

It shows when dogs jump in excitement after seeing me.

I do not try to find it now.

It is not delusional anymore.

I am just waiting for it to surprise me.

Even if it decides not to show up, I will be fine.

Sometimes, I wonder if it is true that

love shows up when you least expect it

Or is it just an optimistic theory.

I needed self-work in order to find it.

I think I was too flawed to have it.

I worked on myself till I became self-sufficient.

Why hasn’t it arrived yet?

I am waiting for it to swipe me off of my feet.

What are the odds that it will show up?

and stay for a good long time?

When I see those potential “Happily ever after” stories on HOB

they feel like something from another land.

I do not get jealous of them or feel self-pity

They just feel too good to be true.

I know that I have healed a lot.

I do not cry before sleeping anymore

or after waking up.

Sometimes the wait seems so long.

I am too shy to confess to that crush

or I think will he be the right one.

Sometimes I think whether I can trust my feelings

or it will be rational conscious choice.

I am also scared to handle the vulnerability that comes along with it.

Cause at one point, I offered my heart to people to open up and heal from past.

But they left because they started thinking that I was too much.

Was I expecting a barter?

Those times were really tough.

I was lonely, sad, depressed and above all, ashamed for clinging on.

I am glad that those times are gone.

I do not connect to spoken word poetry anymore.

I am happy with the love that I found in me

or the love that has the faces of amazing people around me.

But Yeah, I want romantic love to find me soon.

Wake me up when Pandemic ends

Wake me up when this chaos ends and we don’t fear losing loved ones everyday.
Wake me up when sun peeps through my window and I look forward to a new day.
Wake me up when I can make plans to roam and meet people like I used to.
Wake me up when I can go to a friend’s wedding and dance like crazy.
Wake me up when I can have a Sunday brunch with my friends in a fancy restaurant
And go to movies afterwards.
Wake me up when I can actually go to work rather than staring at screen locked in my room.
Wake me up when bedroom isn’t my only world anymore and i can tick destinations off My bucket list.
Wake me up when I can greet with an unmasked Hi and not be scared of shaking hands.
Wake me up when I can take care of a sick friend in person rather than consoling on a video call.
Wake me up when my parents call me and I can buy a ticket to home.
Wake me up when I don’t have to cling to hope every second but rather be excited about what life has to offer.

Dear Mango! Please come back soon

Dear Mango! Please come back soon.

I know it has been two weeks and your reports don’t look good.

But I know that you are fighting hard.

That’s why I always say that you are my brave kid.

I promise I won’t mind you holding my hand.

You can hold me all day.

I will never mind your “Didi! you have gained weight.”

or “Didi! you need to learn singing.”

It’s heart-breaking to not find you around.

To go to lab and not see you.

I feel like a stupid when I am writing this,

Cause I know you will come back soon.

And we will do all the shits we planned together.

Please remember that we all love you

and we are waiting for you to come back.

And we will buy the “covid survivor” tee shirt.

After that journey of yesterdays

After that journey of yesterdays…

Happiness reconciles within me, as I return from a far gusty land.

I am with no one but holding my own hand.

Something is settling within me which seems like my old liberated part.

It ventured out and has finally come back to its own heart.

I am back to where I was, yet fully transformed.

A lot has changed inside me, yet I don’t appear reformed.

Perhaps it is like the enlightenment that sages have felt.

On the Himalyas where snow doesn’t melt.

Navigating Through Anxiety

You are writing an exam and in middle of the paper, your hands start sweating, you get palpitations, your heart starts racing and you just stop writing. All these are signs of an anxiety/panic attack. Till few years back, anxiety was not in common lingo. I mean when I had my first few anxiety attacks, I did not know what the feeling was called. All I could assign to this feeling was that it was mostly fear. Basically it is a combination of fear, anger and sadness combined, but mostly fear of unknown or loss of control. I am no psychologist, but I am interested in psychology books and articles and read them in my free time. I still seek counselling whenever I feel that it is getting too much. I have learnt a lot in this journey, mostly about myself. Understanding the mind is empowering. Not only does it help to navigate through our own life but also help others.

I struggled with anxiety for around 10 years if I recall well. Initially, it was mostly exam induced but later it changed to waking up in the middle of the Night or getting up anxious every morning. A lot of you can relate to this story of mine in some or another way. Late teens to late 20s is a phase which involves lots of decision making. Adulting can be pretty tough emotionally. However, what I have uncovered from therapy (counselling) and books is that how we adult depends a lot on how our childhood was. Issues of childhood resurface while adulting and their effect can be overwhelming. Even though I slipped sometimes, career was bit easier to take control of. Because all that i had to do was hard, focussed and consistent work and I was rewarded. Many times the reward was less than expected, but it was there nonetheless. The real deal was my relationships with other people because it involved dealing with other minds apart from my own. And hard work doesn’t help solve issues with others. Most of the times, dealing with others brings us face to face with our own issues. It takes awareness to face these ‘not so pretty’ sides of ours and deal with them.

Therapy is a great tool which is not very popular in India. If you are seeing a therapist, people often assume that you are not capable of dealing with your issues on your own. But therapy is not a traditional treatment. It is about gaining useful knowledge about you or others in your life. And knowledge is power. Therapy can bring a massive shift in perspective. However , it has two hurdles, finding a good therapist and the cost of therapy. But my first counselling session during my masters was horrible. I opened up to her about myself with great courage and she imposed her judgements onto me. In another session which costed me 2000 bucks, the counsellor labelled my issues/experiences as garbage. I know my issues were/are not serving me well but somewhere they are part of my identity. So, i did not see her afterwards. Other factor is time, therapy takes time. And time multiplied by cost can be huge. Insurance policies do not cover therapy in my knowledge. Luckily for me, in campus emotional wellness facilities did good job. A good therapist and a long time in therapy is something incredible. I think all of us should seek therapy at least once. It is amazing to know new things about our own minds. That stuff is empowering. After 6 months, my therapist told me to see a doctor. Which was so frightening that I stopped seeing her for a month. But then I did what she told. That continued for 1.5 years and i did not fail to miss my appointments and medications. But it worked really well. Mental health journey is not a one way straight road. It has its bumps. But the more time you spend understanding it, bumps become less. I can write on and on about it.

As an alternative There are many resources available online. I was using two apps (One was sort of AI based chatbot) at one point of time and they helped me a lot. For an year or so, i was deep into spirituality. But spiritual bypassing does not help. I believe that Spirituality can be a great tool but it has its cons too. It helps a lot to have a wise friend. In other words, your fallback. I found that fallback only three years back when I re-connected with an old batchmate of mine. I learnt some great tools in this mental health journey. I will share them in some another blog post. Otherwise this post will become too long. The idea of this post was to remove some stigma around therapy and medication. If anxiety is troubling your day to day life, I suggest see a therapist. A therapist can tell you, if you need medical consultation. Seeking therapy, does not mean you are broken or not strong enough. It just means that you are ready to take help cause dealing alone is difficult. No one gave us those tools to deal and therapy can give us those tools. Till then, relax and try to sleep well. 😊

On the actual brink of 30

2 years ago, I wrote a post titled “On the brink of 30”. Probably it was my first blog post for this blog. I was about to turn 28 then. My late 20s, mainly 27 and 28 were filled up with lots of anxiety about turning 30 in 2-3 years. As there are less than 2 months to say goodbye to 20s and I am about to go my first surgery before I turn 30. , how do i feel about it now?

Google says that the average life expectancy in India is 69.16 years. I cannot believe that I have spent these many years on this planet. That means that I have already lived around 43% of my life. So, almost half of my life is gone. I am single and jobless but I have PhD on way. So by 30, I couldn’t find a partner, job, complete my PhD, haven’t been to abroad and many things are still left. Although I gained financial independence by 24 due to my scholarship. My Ph.D. registration is going to be 6 years old and still submission is pending. Even though I finished my post-graduation by 22. Every year I make the same resolutions of losing weight and cannot lose beyond 5 kgs and my BMI shows slightly over-weight. I spent about half of my 20s depressed with my life choice and making more wrong choices in depression. It almost went like a loop. My career got hit by that too. But I was finally able to break the pattern with therapy, self-help and medication.

But, but, but there are many things I accomplished too. I raised many beautiful plant babies.I learnt some music and painting. It is not much but at least I can play few chords and guitar and sing some songs. I drew Gal Gadot’s Wonderwoman look and people could actually recognize her. I went on a girls trip with my best friend (just the two of us), executed the Goa plan with another set of besties, me, mom and sister took another girls trip to Andamans last year and if going to a conference or PhD interview is considered a solo trip, so yes, i did that too. Anyway, I travel solo all the time, to and fro from to campus, my yearly pilgrimage to Delhi, etc. etc.The best of all was that I regularly and sincerely worked towards giving back to the society in past 3-4 years. And it was not just money, it was mainly time and efforts. And I am so proud of myself for that. No other accomplishment can replace this. Although I tried to convert it to full-time by social fellowship programmes but unfortunately I could not be selected. But I can count endless small things that I did/learnt by now. And yeah, I also ticked my bucket list of tattoo, piercings and haircolors.

Coming back to the original question of how do I feel about turning 30 now. I feel pretty great compared to how I felt 2 years back. The prospect of not finding a partner doesn’t bother me much unless too provoked by family. The motivation about career is back. I look forward to explore career options. Uncertainty is not terrifying rather exciting. I am more accepting of this age than I was 1-2 years ago. I like to be in charge now but I do not want to control too much. The idea is to let go and accept more and more.

On that note, I am off to finish my fifth research publication. So, five papers before I am 30. 🙂

Third week of Lockdown and Rumi

Third week at home is over. Haven’t stayed at home this long in last 5 years. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. The first week was amazing when I was working hard, drawing, writing, learning Kalimba. This week was hard. Health has made it worse. Some nights, I struggle to breathe and next day is spent fighting sleepiness. Work efficiency is low. No drawing since a week. I binged Money Heist amidst all headache and bad health. Mom doesn’t allow to use phone on bed at night. That is giving me an opportunity to read. I started with Yual Noah Harari’s 21 lessons for 21st century. I have mostly read non-fiction in past few years and I am quite bored of this genre. A friend sent me “The Essential Rumi” and It has become my bedtime companion. I wanted to read Rumi ever since I finished “The forty rules of love” by Elif Shafak. ” The forty rules of love is about ‘Shams of Tabriz’ whose Shohabat or company transformed preacher Jalaluddin to poet Rumi. It would be a pleasure to read Rumi in Arabic or Persian. English in my opinion doesn’t do justice to his writings. I am not able to understand the metaphor in many of the poems. In few where I understand, I feel startled. Rumi has used Tavern as a symbol in many poems. Maybe Dr. Bachchan got his inspiration of Madhushala from Rumi. I am never bored of Madhushala. I can read it again and again. Rumi ends many poems with the feeling of emptiness. Often there is a feeling of emptiness which comes after expression for all of us. That is how I would like to end this post, with a feeling of emptiness.